Hey, everyone! It’s been a HOT minute since I’ve posted on here and I can’t even apologize. You know . . . life and all that. But let me catch you up.
Everyone knows that March 2020 was when the world turned to shit. My job, as shocking as it was, sent us all computers and told us to work from home for a bit. We all thought we’d be back in the office in 2 weeks or something, but here we are almost 2 years later and now our office is closed and we’re permanently working from home. My dining room is now half of a dining room and half of an office.
Working from home has been great! However, I didn’t realize that subconsciously it was doing a number on my mental health. If I felt a headache, I was internally contemplating whether or not I had a blood clot that was trying to kill me. After cleaning the kitchen cabinets (and there are a lot of them) one afternoon, I felt a pain in my back and was convinced I had a kidney infection. I had a pulsing sound in my right ear and ear pain one day (which lasted for months), so I went to the Minute Clinic at CVS and was told I had bubbles of liquid trapped in my ear drums due to allergies. What the heck am I allergic to??? Anyway, I was in and out of the doctor’s office, the clinic and the hospital more times than I would like to count. I decided enough was enough . . . maybe I need some anti-anxiety meds to help me out. My doctor prescribed Lexapro. I took it for 2 days, but I am not a meds person (despite my love/hate relationship with the doctor’s office). I decided I wanted to try walking outside and see if that helped before I relied on the meds. I never thought I would say this, but WALKING CHANGED EVERYTHING. I stopped taking the meds and haven’t looked back. I walk 2-3 miles every day now (if it’s not raining, because . . . Miami) and I feel great! This is not a knock on anyone who does take anti-anxiety meds by any means. This just happens to be what has worked for me right now. And maybe I’m wrong. Maybe what I’m about to explain is reason enough for me to actually be taking the meds, but what do I know?
If you know me at all, you know that I was born in New Jersey and have been talking about moving out of Florida for quite some time. Dating, friends, etc. just hasn’t been easy for me down here and I feel like I need to remove myself and start over.
Don’t get me wrong . . . I have friends . . . I just don’t hear from them for months on end. I reach out, we talk, we say we need to get together and then I don’t hear from them until the next time I reach out. Talk about doing a number on your anxiety. Some of my friends stopped inviting me places because they always assume I’ll say no (their words, not mine). Despite me saying that, yes, sometimes I’ll say no because my anxiety is high that day and certain situations make it worse, but that doesn’t mean I never want to do anything! It means that I would love the option to say I can make it or I can’t. And, if I can’t, I don’t need a lecture about how I “need to get over the anxiety.” If it were that easy, no one would have anxiety. I promise you.
There are few things in life that feel worse than having anxiety and feeling like you’re alone in your thoughts to deal with it. If only people took the time to actually listen to what you need or do some research to understand anxiety a little bit better. People are always so afraid of things they don’t understand or experience themselves.
The other thing is that I’m almost 38 years old, I’m single and I have no kids. I helped raise my niece, but she’s almost 18 and does her own thing. All of my peeps here in Miami are married and have kids. They can’t just come over for a movie and some wine. They can’t just drop what they’re doing and go out for a spontaneous dinner. It’s kinda sad that I feel like I have to move to another state where I know no one in order to feel less alone, but here I am. I love my friends, I just don’t always feel like that love is returned. Is it because of my anxiety? Or is it because of me? Either way, maybe moving to another state and not being able to hang out with friends cause there aren’t any there might feel better than being where all my friends are and not hearing from them lol.
Then there’s dating. What a shit show lol. As far back as I can remember, I’ve either been cheated on or made to feel like I wasn’t enough for an attempt at an actual relationship. Before you start thinking that I’m a hot mess, I always get told that I’m too nice or too good to be true, that they don’t want to lose me as a friend, etc. I have two older brothers, so I’ve kinda grown up seeing what not to do with guys. Sorry if I’m not a psycho who is high maintenance, guys! Some of my friends tried getting me on dating apps and they’ve gone as well as can be expected. I either get sent unsolicited dick pics or asked if I want to join the guy and his girlfriend. App gets deleted. I’ve been told I’m not big enough, or I’m too big for what they usually like. For someone with anxiety, each interaction that doesn’t go the way I hope it will go is another blow to my psyche. Is it me? Am I unattractive? Is being too nice a bad thing? No, mother f*ckers, it’s YOU!!
You might be saying to yourself, “Jeez. This girl is either depressed or really negative.” The truth is I’m neither! I’m an awesome person who loves to laugh and do fun shit. The problem is that I’m also an awesome person living with anxiety and sometimes that makes certain situations less appealing. I’m the person who always wants to have Friendsgiving or Friendsmas or Any-Day-of-the-Weekmas. I want that friend who will listen to me complain about some dumb shit because it’s what I would do for them. Yea, I don’t have a husband or kids to take care of, but I’m a human being and I need human connection just like anyone else. I want to be the person my friends call cause they need a shoulder to cry on. I want to know what it feels like to have someone truly love me back.
I’m a hopeless optimist who feels like maybe they took a wrong turn somewhere. I’ve been wandering around this place for so long now, I’m not sure I can find my way back. Especially alone. My life has become a series of unfortunate events and, because I’m an awesome person, I just keep bouncing back. I know there’s better out there and I won’t give up on finding it. If you’re like me, please know that you’re not alone. Your people are out there. I truly believe that mine are too. Just remember that you’re awesome and anyone else who is awesome will realize that too.